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Name: Raven
Home: Ohio, United States
About Me: Married, 2 kids, 3 step-kids, 3 cats and a mini-doxie
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Friday, November 16, 2007
10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
I got this in an email, and liked it so much I'm thinking about stitching a damn sampler of it. I would add one of my own though...I'll put it at the bottom.

1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the
potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in
the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind
of pie is that? Who made it?" Ask one more question and I will punch you
in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat
anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until
someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to
be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over
until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little
asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not
gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not
allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling
family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for
any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a
foot off in their asses!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We
do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave
birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that
talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one
minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will
feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for
approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you
don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home
next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a
plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it
again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me
catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my
house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE
SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house.
This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every
ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call,
your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After
24 hours, I will call Children Services on your ignorant ass!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no
sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your
ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT
11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup
kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You
will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the
appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will
be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin ______ and his greedy
ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD
are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

My own rule to fit in there is to always make sure my wine glass is full, and don't talk to me while I'm drinking!
posted by Raven @ 3:47 PM  
5 Comments:
  • At November 17, 2007 12:54 PM, Blogger Hot Lemon said…

    it's so nice to have th' whole family together again for th' holidays...

    Oh, and I'm looking forward to #7!! I just might have to leave a whole buncha shit in the van so I HAVE to leave the house on several occasions!! (it's OK, I'll provide the lube and gloves!!)

     
  • At November 18, 2007 11:11 AM, Blogger Matt-Man said…

    Great rules all, but your personal rule is by far the best. Cheers Raven!!

     
  • At November 18, 2007 9:48 PM, Blogger Raven said…

    Lemon - Pervert! Maybe that's why I love you so much?!

    Matt - Thanks...wine and my own personal glaucoma medicine is the only thing that's going to get me through Thanksgiving with the family this year.

     
  • At November 19, 2007 11:38 AM, Blogger SkylersDad said…

    Ahh yes, the quality time with the family! What a wonderful, sharing event it can be...too bad it has never happened at our place.

    May I add that the game WILL be on the tube, and no, you may not turn it off to listen to holiday music!

     
  • At November 19, 2007 11:59 AM, Blogger Raven said…

    Sky - Oohhh, I like that one. The only thing I would change at my house is during the meal, let's have music. Before and after I love having the game on.

     
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